i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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