just come out here and I will go home with you...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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