If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Randomize
