He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
