tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
