Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
