We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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