i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
