Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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