If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
