Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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