Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
