Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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