It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
