I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
