You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
