I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
