Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
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My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
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I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
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