please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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