he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
