theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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