She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
