I'm so fucking centered right now
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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