We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
