I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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