i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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