i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
