remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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