I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Randomize
