I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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