Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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