He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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