apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
