I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
