You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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