my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
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