Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
