Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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