I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
