I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
