please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
