We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
