it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Randomize
