If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
