dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
