I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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