how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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