Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
