I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
