Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
