all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
