Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
