grandma shit on top of the toilet
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
