U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My pussy is not your playground.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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