I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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