I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
